Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Newlyweds Divorcing?

No, we're not getting divorced, silly.

But I did recently find out that the Mr.'s best friend from college is getting a divorce from his wife of 3 years. And this comes on the heals of his best friend from childhood getting a divorce from his wife of 4 years this past spring.

Um, that's enough to make a happily-wed girl feel pretty nervous when I see marriages crumbling all around me. And while I don't know all the reasons these couples split up (dudes tend to be more tight-lipped about these things), I must say I am shocked. We're too young to know divorcees!

How could 20-something, basically "newlyweds" be getting divorced so quickly?

Well, according to a USA Today article the medium duration of first marriage, when first marriage ended in divorce is 8 years. And according to the CDC 43% of first marriages in the U.S. end within 15 years. Wow. Sad.

So I was right, these couples DID get divorced early.

So I googled to try to find out WHY young couples would get divorced. And while I could not find out specifically why newlyweds would get divorced, I found out the top reasons overall for divorce are:
1. Poor communication
2. Financial problems
3. A lack of commitment to the marriage
4. A dramatic change in priorities
5. Infidelity

Yeah that about sums it up.


So, what's MY chance of divorce, I thought to myself? I'm committed, faithful, manage money well, and I like to think I'm a good communicator.

Then I found the "Divorce Calculator" on divorce360.com



It told me people with similar backgrounds to me who are already divorced = 1%
And people with similar backgrounds to me who will be divorced over the next five years= 4%

Ok, we have 96% chance of still being together in five years. That makes me feel a little bit better. But this whole thing was a good reminder to not take my marriage or husband for granted and to work every day at making my marriage just a little bit better.


Do you know 20-something couples who got divorced in the first few years of marriage?

What does the Divorce Calculator say your chance of divorce is?

39 comments:

The Fabulous Life of a Coach's Wife said...

Really great post! I sadly, know several people who were divorced in their 20's. I grew up in a small town, so a lot of high school friends were married by 22, had babies by 24 and divorced soon after. The majority of people I knew in high school who married in thier 20's are now on second marriages, some have second divorces under their belt. Very crazy!! I just got married 2 months ago, so the calculator says me and the Mr. are going to be ok! only a 5% chance we'd be divorced in 5 years. I agree with you though, never take your husband or marriage for granted!

Christina said...

It's kind of crazy. My college roommate was married two years and then divorced. It's sad to see and is scary. I guess if you are actively aware and make an effort to work in the areas that are common places for conflict, you're a lot better off :) From what I've seen, open communication is the biggest problem. If you can do that in relationship, openly and honestly, everything is easier to work through I think.

chrisylouwho.blogspot.com

Jen said...

That's very sad. I think a lot of it has to do with people just rushing into relationships and getting married just because. Seems like people get married even though they don't really LOVE the person. I also think it's a lack of communication and well, pretty much all those things you listed that you found. That DOES sum it all up. O_O
Sad. Very sad.
Makes me also appreciate my husband and the fact we found each other in this crazy world!

Mrs. Ruby said...

Honestly, I am 27 and know of 5 couples my age or YOUNGER who are divorced. Talk about scary.
I just think people sometimes get caught up in the whole wedding process and don't really focus on the marriage. AND, I think when things get tough, people don't want to work at their marriage.
Great post!

Mrs. Newlywed Giggles said...

So scary but I always feel that some of the people I hear getting married are getting married to just have that attention and have the wedding. So sad, but some people get so wrapped up in wedding planning and on how awesome it would be to be engaged, that they forget the commitment factor that has to be in place for a marriage to work, along with communication, love, etc.
So sad.

legallymarried said...

I have a 10 percent chance in the next ten years. And I do already have college friends who have divorced, but I think the people who divorced were more interested in the wedding (the big party, the dress, the gifts) than the marriage. In the South, and especially at the university I attended, there is intense societal pressure to have a "ring by junior spring," so I think these young girls really do think their life will end if they don't get engaged and married before they're 22.

It really takes work to make a marriage stand the test of time - we're only at 2 1/2 years right now, but hope to make it last a lifetime!

Becky said...

One of my friends was married at 22 (already had two kids with him) and filed 6 months later and another friend was 23 and filed 5-6 months later too. Her husband moved out only 4 months after they got married. It was a very odd situation on both parts and to be honest, I wasn't surprised that either of their marriages fell apart. We have a 7% chance of divorcing in 5 years. I'll take those odds and make them even better for us! It's very sad to see these statistics!!!!

Dee Stephens said...

I got married in my 30's but I know tons of friends who married in their 20's and are getting and/or are divorced now. Crazy.

MrsB said...

isnt that so scary to think of? what goes wrong? i took the quiz ...
5.96% are already divorced.
14.37% will be divorced in five years. MrB and i have fantastic communication, are on the same page with finances - determined to make our marriage work forever!

the BLAH BLAH BLAHger said...

I know a bunch of people who had starter marriages, too. It's always so sad to see friends/family go down that road...most of whom are Christians, too. : (

On a lighter note, I love that you're such a statistics/numbers gal that you found out your divorce probability. ; )

Meghan said...

I know several people (friends/acquaintances) who are divorced in their 20s, usually after less than a few years of marriage. (In one case, less than a year). It makes me sad, even though some of the people I know said it was for the best. Divorce is just hard all around. I'm not married yet, but this is a great reminder to constantly be striving for a great relationship, and makes me think of how much I appreciate my fiance.

Katie said...

I know that the divorce likelihood calcuations is just an average based on statistic of those who are already divorced, but it seems so silly to me.
I think the number one questions when quizzing people on this, is what is your philosophy towards marriage.

It does make me wonder how much time and break down occurs before you decide to call it quits. And why people now a days thinks its so much less serious (I know seemingly incompatible couples married for over 30 and 50 years that stayed together)

Nicci@NiftyEats said...

That's scary, I've had about 5 friends from high school already divorced. Most of them confessed to jumping into marriage too fast and not knowing their spouse. I pray this wlth a marriage based on God mine will last. I'm not married yet, but my bf and I have been dating 5 years and never broken up. I think when the time comes...it will be a long mariiage.

Chardonnay said...

Ugh, I hate this! Almost half of all marriages end within 15 years?! I did the calculator... I have a 10% chance of divorce within 5 years, while my husband has a 5% chance (I think because he's older). I can only think of a few friends who are divorced already... I'm young though - only 24. So scary.

Patience said...

Interesting post. Thankfully none of our friends have gotten divorced. Marriage is hardwork, but oh so worth it.

Linda said...

When we were planning our wedding one of the groomsmen got divorced. It really hit hubby hard. He thought they had a good marriage and it seriously made him wonder if we had a chance.
All that being said this is hubby's 2nd marriage so our odds are better. We struggle but we are committed to working things out.

Newlyweds on a Budget said...

hearing about other people divorcing is definitely disconcerting. It makes me want to try hard--and it's almost as if us married folk want to know about the divorced people because we want to avoid whatever they did. it's just scary...

AllyceR said...

According tot he calculator I have a 10% chance in the next 5 years. I think those reason you posted about contributing factors to divorce seem very true. Thanks for the reminder on not taking marriage for granted. My husband and I work on that daily because it is SO easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle of the days and forget about making each other feel special. I also agree with the comments about girls getting caught up with the "wedding bug" and throwing a big fancy party and forgetting about the HUGE commitment that is being made that day. ALSO, I think this younger generation (myself included) tend to take the easy way out and marriages for say, our grandparents generation, it just seemed that divorce wasn't an option and they just worked out their problems because they knew it was FOREVER.

Anyway, I'm babbling, but, great post!

Jessica said...

I know quite a few people who are already divorced who are 3-5 years younger than me (and I'm in my late 20s). It really makes me sad, and scares me a little bit, but we got married older, finished school, and found jobs before we got married (and engaged even). We had been through births, deaths, big moves, and medical emergencies before we tied the knot - all things that can cause relationships to end. We've only been married a little over a year, so we're still newly married, and according to the divorce calculator, 0% are already divorced and I have a 7.5% chance of being divorced in 5 years.

REBrown said...

I was just talking to my wedding photographer and she informed me that one couple of hers got divorced before their proofs even came back! Crazy...

REBrown
rekdbrown.blogspot.com

Lindsay said...

This is so sad! I am with you girl!

Rachel said...

Interesting topic! But it's all so true. I have a good friend from HS who dated a guy all through HS and college, got married right after college graduation, and by the end of year 2 of their marriage, she had filed for divorce. She jokes about it now, but I know she has to hurt. I can't even imagine. And you're right, these stats do help remind me the importance of my actions and words and behaviors in my own marriage.

Good discussion on here :)

a H.I.T. said...

Phew. We have a 95% chance of still being together in 5 years. Man is that a scary stat! (the divorce rate, not our being together in five years :)

Sonya said...

That's just scary! Sadly I was one of those in their 20's divorcing after just a few years of getting married. The reasons they listed are dead on. I was shocked that the calculator told me that less than 1% are divorced now, but it will be almost 10% in five years! I wonder how it would differ if they took into account 2nd marriages.

Random Kristi said...

I married at the age of 24 and got divorced six months later. I married after being with my ex for seven years. We broke up for a short time because we were so young when we got together and dated other people. We got divorced because he cheated on me, started using drugs and became mentally abusive. I was not interested in that lifestyle so I ended it fast. I do think it is sad that there are so many young divorces, however, I feel in some situations it is better to get out. I am now in a very loving relationship and realize that there were many signs of why I should not have married my ex. I wish I would have noticed them but am happy for the lessons learned.

Jenn said...

I think the reasons for divorce you listed are spot on; however, I'm sure there are some other reasons that didn't make the list (ex: in-law problems). I was married for one year before I got divorced. I never thought by the age of 26 I'd be an exwife and have an exhusband. But biggest lesson learned: it takes TWO completely devoted people to make it work. You can work 150% everyday and be totally committed to the marriage, but that doesn't mean it's divorce-proof.

Lucky in Love said...

I cannot believe this divorce calculator even exists! But that being said...I did it :) And I'm about the same % as you!

The Shabby Princess said...

So, the Divorce Calculator said that 15% of similar marriages have already ended and that 27% will end in divorce in the next five years. Awesomesauce. BUT! I did get married really young, so, that's not really surprising to me to see those results.

I have one very close friend who got divorced last year after two years of marriage. It was really sad because they had been together for a long time and they seemed really happy together. I was even a bridesmaid and cried like a baby at the wedding! That's the only one of my friends that has gotten divorced--I thought we were too young for that kind of stuff too!

The Southbay Newlyweds said...

we have a 7.6% chance of getting divorced within the next 5 years.. :)
great post!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

It's crazy how no one seems to stay together anymore. I know someone who's 25 and is already on marriage number 3...

d.a.r. said...

I have at least four college teammates that are already divorced. It makes my heart break, I can't even imagine!

Mrs. Smith said...

Girl, I feel like you read my mind. My SIL got divorced at 2 years. My cousin should have just had her 2nd anniversary but she's going through a divorce. And I have friends who haven't hit 2 years and have talked of "leaving." I can't imagine how that would even feel. How it would go. Anything. I just feel very blessed that my parents are still together and my husband is as committed to making things work as I am. Breaks my heart when I see people who aren't as lucky as I am.

Lindsey said...

Unfortunately I know many but you can't really pay too much attention to statistics b/c really it depends on the couples. I'm glad I waited until I was in my 30's to get married..that way I knew hubby and I were on the same road and weren't in danger of growing and wanting different paths.

I admire all the little old couples that come in to my office who have been married 60+ years. I always ask them what their secret is and they say, "Compromise and communication." Let's hope it works for us!

Random Musings Of My Life said...

The year before we got married we went to 13 weddings... 7 years later there are only 3 OF US STILL MARRIED!!!

Denise said...

A friend of mine got married about 7 months after I got married. They got divorced about a year ago... so they barely made it to 3 years. Sadly, it was due to abuse that was apparently happening before they even got married... I've never been told why she even went through with the wedding and then lived 3 years in hell before she packed her bags and leaving.

It was one of the ONLY times I was glad to see a marriage end. :(

Ker said...

Wow, great post. As a true newlywed (1 month anniversary is tomorrow!!!) its scary to think of marriages ending that were entered into with such high hopes, but I suppose you have to walk in their shoes to understand their issues. Will remind me to work hard on my own marriage!!

michelle ellis said...

I was just talking to my girlfriends about this last weekend. There are 8 of us...so statistics show that 4 of us will end our marriages in divorce. VERY scary. I cannot take hubby or my marriage for granted for one single day. The thought of divorce scares me so much. I try to work hard each day to make our marriage better.

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

Mine was about 10% for both.
I know one friend who started to divorce her husband and they were separated for a while, and now back together and doing great! They do have kids so that addes another element, but still...she seems happy.

Nicole-Lynn said...

Gosh, how shocking! What an eye opener.

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